SJ's Notorious Wine Reviews

From Episode: Sprintz Episode 4: Cynar Listen Here

Imagine someone took all your questionable life choices, distilled them into liquid form, and then added some artichoke just to mess with you—that’s Cynar Amaro. This drink is like that quirky uncle who shows up to family gatherings in mismatched clothes but still manages to steal the spotlight. Think Martin Short in *Only Murders in the Building.*

The first sip is a bit of an adventure as its bittersweet. Akin to just the girl you're looking for, you start to wonder if this is what the Click 5 was actually singing about. The texture is smooth and slightly syrupy, with an undercurrent of caramel and a big ol' mix of herbs and spices.

It's a weirdly fancy sip, like being wrapped in a strange, obscure embrace. In the end, Cynar’s got your back—if you’re into the quirky stuff. Would I recommend it? Well, it’s definitely an acquired taste. Personally, I might stick with something a little more straightforward, but if you’ve got a quirky side, you’ll probably vibe with it.

I give it a solid 6.8 out of 10. I’m not *that* quirky.

From Episode: Doc, Maniere, and Capri Sun: 2021 Dr Thanisch Bernkasteler Badstube Kabinett Riesling Listen Here

This Riesling, my first real dive into the style, is like that high school overachiever—bright, zesty, and just a bit too enthusiastic about everything. On the nose, it greets you with green apple, followed by hints of lemon and pear, leaving you to wonder what kind of meadow you’ve wandered into. On the palate, it’s sweet, but not overly so—like the perfect dash of sugar in your tea. The lightness is like a ballerina gracefully tiptoeing across your taste buds. It’s zippy, charming, and low in alcohol—a wine that feels like the effortlessly chill neighbor who always shows up with a smile.

The real kicker here is the crushability. As it warms up, you just keep sipping, staying pleasantly even-keeled. There’s an intriguing depth to this one, the kind that makes me want to explore more.

I’d rate it a 7.2/10. And yes, I’m definitely still pretending to know what I’m talking about with German wines.

From Episode: Rambler, Cement, and Katniss: 2020 Chateau Buena Vista Cabernet Sauvignon Listen Here

Imagine Dracula in a velvet smoking jacket and leather pants, holding a glass of this 2020 Chateau Buena Vista Cabernet Sauvignon. He grins knowingly as you take the first sip because this dark, rich, and brooding nectar is exactly what you secretly crave. It’s a velvety blend of dark plums and leather on the nose, with a taste so gripping and smooth it’s like wearing a leather-bound book as a jacket.

The finish? Long, like the end credits of a Marvel movie—just when you think it’s over, it pulls you back in for more. This wine is serious but doesn’t take itself too seriously. It has just enough drama to keep you engaged without tipping into self-indulgence.

Enjoy it anytime, but for the full effect, sip it with moody tunes and good company. Picture a French garden overlooking a gothic cathedral, where the vibe is romantic, dangerous, and oddly soothing. This wine walks the fine line between sophistication and pure satisfaction.

I’d rate it an 8.5 out of 10—there’s true beauty in this bottle.

From Episode: Study, Sick and Stubborn: 2019 Etude Grace Benoist Ranch Estate Pinot Noir Listen Here

The 2019 Etude Grace Benoist Pinot Noir is like that mysterious goth friend who shows up at every party dressed in velvet. Like you're used to seeing your boy in all leather and now, he decides to change it up a bit. Ultimately, it's strange but in a good way.

At first sip, it greets you with a dark cherry vibe—think moody lighting in a library speakeasy. Then it opens up into layers of forest floor with a whisper of spice that feels like you’re wandering through a misty forest with Bella Swan as some brooding indie music plays in the background. I'm really painting the scene, here.

The acidity leaves just enough bite to remind you there’s substance beneath the Twilight books. It's classy with an edge, a wine that keeps you intrigued—a Pinot that would fit right in at a Tim Burton dinner party.

I give it a 7.9 out of 10. A very solid and cheeky performer--think Tom Sizemore in Black Hawk Down.

From Episode: Spot, Oz and Drafts: 2020 Macchia Dangerous Port Listen Here

The 2020 Macchia Dangerous Port reminds me of one of those horror movie trailers that start all sunshine and rainbows, but by the end, you’re dodging blood spatter and questioning your life choices. It lures you in, all sweet and harmless, until you’re halfway through the bottle and suddenly find yourself belting out, “Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me.”

Smells of ripe, jammy fruit leads as you dive headfirst into a vat of this thin port. It’s not the thick, syrupy stuff you’d expect—it’s more like a port that skipped arm day but still manages to be dangerous. It’s one of those drinks that packs all the flavors you’d find in grandma’s secret pie recipe, then tempts you back with a siren song for another glass.

Final Verdict: This wine is like the quiet cousin who gets into trouble to keep things interesting but still shows up to family dinner on Sundays. It’s smooth, sweet, and definitely a bit of a wild card.

I give this a solid 8.0—definitely worth having in your arsenal for those fun nights that shouldn't end.

From Episode: Schram, Uptown, and Americana: Schramsberg Brut Rose Mirabelle Listen Here

Alright folks, this pale pink nectar has the blush of a Wes Anderson character caught in an awkwardly sincere moment. You feel punchy yet classy as the Schramsberg Brut Rosé, dubbed Mirabelle, takes hold. It’s like you’re Mirabelle’s sugar daddy, serenading her with lavish gulps, and she gives back with a slow, deliberate, and fun ride.

Imagine strolling through a farmer's market with Katy Perry and the guy who sang Banana Pancakes, both dressed as 1960s lifeguards—you're only there for the aesthetics at this point. With aromas of strawberry and bright acidity, Mirabelle would fit right in at a rooftop gala where people pretend to network but are really just vibing to early 2000s throwbacks.

Is it worth it? Let me work it. Izyerphertheniphisetyet. Yep, it’s Mirabelle for you. I give it a 7.3. It’s fun… I guess.

From Episode: Sprintz Episode 3: 2016 La Rioja Alta Vina Ardanza Reserva Listen Here

Last time it took an L, but tonight it bounced back. The 2016 La Rioja Alta Viña Ardanza Reserva—a wine so smooth, if it had another name, it’d probably end with the letter A. This beauty hails from Rioja, Spain, and it does not disappoint. It gives off those vintage leather jacket vibes—worn, but in a super swaggy way. Kind of like Morgan Freeman’s face.

It’s medium-bodied with a warmth that hugs you back, and its finish is long, sticking around like that relative who overstays their welcome so much so that you begin to wonder how you're actually related to that person. Well picture that; but way more enjoyable. This is a date-night wine, one that says, “Hey, let’s listen to Snow Patrol and just forget the world.” And let’s be honest, with 14.5% alcohol, you might forget a little more than that.

This is one for you and your missus, or mister, or master, or step-brother. Hey I don't know what yall are about but this wine can box. I’m giving it a solid 8.0. Me likey this

From Episode: Petite, Nets, and Romulus: 2019 Stags' Leap Petite Sirah Listen Here

Welcome back to another review of "Wine Not," where we drink the wine that you should be drinking too. Today, we're diving—or should I say leaping—into the 2019 Stags Leap Petite Sirah. And make no mistake, there’s nothing petite about this.

First off, the wine's look is as dark as the third verse in "Down with the Sickness." Prepare to get bodied, as it takes your mouth into its first mosh pit and doesn’t disappoint. The juice is warm and dangerous, like a WWII trench. But after getting through the initial bold flavors, you hit the aftermath: a well-adjusted menagerie of wondrous daydreams and introspective thoughts—the best kind of drunk.

"Expecto Patronum" will be your next mantra as you exude sophistication, sipping glass after glass. And like Harry’s Patronus, that stag comes out for all those who dare. This wine is bold, and as this inky waterfall pours more and more, you begin to crave the finer things in life. You catch yourself buying tweed jackets and referring to places by their street names.

This wine brings out the adult in you—in a good way. You will always deserve what you aspire to be. I give this wine an 8.7 out of 10. GIVE ME MORE, GIVE ME MORE, GIVE ME MORE.

From Episode: Hampton, Paris, and Bingo: 2022 Hampton Water Rose Listen Here

Hold onto your wine glasses, y'all, because this rosé has me living on a prayer! This wine is wanted dead or alive and perfect for those fun weeknights that scream "trash reality watch party." Who's down to watch people with bad plastic surgery battle it out for your attention? Hey, this wine is the literal personification of those shows. Check it….

Does it have the depth of *Oppenheimer* or the character development of *The Sopranos*? Definitely not! Is it as funny as *Seinfeld* or *The Office*? Not really. But hey, are you entertained nonetheless? I think so. It's big on strawberry and kinda one-note, albeit, it is refreshing. I get it after the first gulp and already understand it after the third…

It's my life, and it's now or never—this rosé aint gonna live forever. You’ll crave it on some occasions and for the price point, it's a good intro to rosé.

Do I love it? No. Do I hate it? No. Would I drink it again? Probably. It's an entertaining wine, and I don't want to wonder why.

I give it a 6.8… 6.9 because the bottle and label are cool.

From Episode: Sips and Sneaks Sprintz Episode 001: The Americano Listen Here

What a versatile big boy drink you can easily have in your arsenal at all times. It can be enjoyed at literally any occasion; the perfect pre-wedding cocktail for a bride or that crushable thirst quencher when it's Greek Week and Phi Sig is taking the 3-on-3 tournament too seriously. This baby will leave you loose enough to post up solo next to the beer pong table or spitting game to the finest honey that just walked in who doesn't even play pong but will if you're gonna be her partner, ya feel me? This jawn gives you the confidence of 007 but the tact of the Lizard King.

The Americano is the drink you never knew you needed. It’s low in alcohol, high in sophistication, and infinitely crushable. It’s the kind of drink that makes you feel like you should be in a European café, plotting your next great novel, or simply in your own backyard ready to light a fire.

I give this drink a 7.5/10. You might meet your wife… or your next wife, sipping on this

From Episode: Treana, KD and Paso: 2021 Treana Cabernet Sauvignon Listen Here

I have to stretch a bit for this one because this wine had me feeling some type of way. The initial taste was like choosing Liu Kang in Mortal Kombat and doing the bicycle kick—except on your tongue. Bold flavors hit like a tidal wave but leave a sweet aftertaste after that good good gets gulped down. Then, it’s warm hug city as you feel the nectar travel down to your loins.

It has a deeply satisfying nostalgic feel, like remembering the sight of your favorite pup running on the beach. The hints of vibey-ness evoke that 4th date feeling, where those early jitters are replaced with a weird familiar ease that you kinda dig.

I’m not sure if it’s the alcohol talking or if Treana is doing that witchcraft with the mind, but this bottle, although new to me, seems like we’ve been buddies for a good while and the bond is only getting deeper.

This wine is perfect for enjoying alone, but it’s okay if you want to share the moment too. I give this an 8.5 out of 10. Good feels with this one.

From Episode: GSM, Lows and Plemons: 2021 Tensley All Blocks Estate Blend Listen Here

Here we go, this is that good good for the soul. Like that Chicken Soup book back in the day; except imagine this wine as your favorite font coming to life. This ain't no Comic Sans; this is that dark and brooding Baskerville struting down the runway, rocking legs for days and wearing some Red Bottoms too. Like, damn! Honey, I shrink the kids me right now and make me run gassers up and down them to the Promised Land.

In terms of smell, it has sweetness but also some toastiness there—like a s'more dipped into the plot of a Chris Nolan movie. It’s complex, and if Alcohol were a person, it’d be winking at you with both eyes.

This baby is perfect for whiskey drinkers and those who like that smooth and boozy feel. Definitely skip the hot yoga session after this. If not, it’s stumble city, and that Happy Baby Pose is going to take a whole new meaning. Trust me, you’re gonna be feeling extra, extra good.

I give this wine an 8.7 out of 10. This rating is not arbitrary; it’s that good.

From Episode: Barbera, Waffle, and Lunch Dates: 2021 Vietti Barbera d'Asti Tre Vigne Listen Here

Overall, I thought the wine was okay. It feels like a support character in the wine world—like the guy in the van during a heist movie. It’s a nice addition to your collection, but it's never really the main character. If a movie focused solely on this guy, it would need that Hans Zimmer score to make it worth watching.

Also, I know the guy in the van is important but if the job goes belly-up, hes usually the dude that gets caught or gets got if there is a double-crossing plot, yanno In terms of rotation, I’d put this wine in the "second bottle of the night" category—after the really good stuff has been enjoyed. It's the kind of wine with high alcohol and acidity that gets you dancing a bit after your taste buds are already warmed up. The feel is medium-bodied, the taste is full of red fruit, and it’s essentially a decent wine that doesn't need to constantly remind you it's wine.

I’d give it a 7.1 out of 10. Not bad, not exceptional. It’s wine.

From Episode: 4th of July Mega Episode: 2021 Ridge Vineyards Three Valleys Listen Here

This blendy boy is the perfect concoction of richness and charm, with vulnerability to back the haters up. It's like 50 Cent attending the Broadway premiere of *Dear Evan Hansen* and dropping a diss track against Connor Murphy. You can't help but wonder what the right setting is to pop this baby open, and to tell you the truth, the answer is any setting.

In terms of taste, there's a lot of rich berry coupled with some herby spices, completing a long and satisfying mouthfeel. Don't get it twisted, this is Ridge's entry-level wine, and it already packs a punch. Picture a cold open to your favorite TV show that can stand alone as your favorite movie scene of all time.

I give this wine an 8.4 out of 10. Don't trip, buy some Ridge.

From Episode: Amici, Horus and Hootie: 2022 Amici Sauvignon Blanc Listen Here

This crushable blend of citrusy explosion is a beautiful adult Capri Sun, making me almost wish it came in a pouch with a nice straw. Refreshing and light to the touch, it’s all KWISPY business as we sip through a patio party of Lilly Pulitzer bikinis. I mean, here I am, a dude sippin’ on Amici, drippin’ in a bikini, making wishes like a genie, and falling back to mother earth begging for a martini. You feel me? This wine belongs in the perfect pre-game starter pack for anyone looking to pivot from a floral white to a strong cocktail. It’s always the beginning of something fun, and you know you want to try a little bit of mischief in life.

I give it a 7.1 - Who knows where it’ll take you? Hopefully somewhere fun ;)

From Episode: Ken, Jordan 4s and Offline: 2023 Ken Wright Cellars Willamette Valley Pinot Noir Listen Here

If wine were a person, the 2023 Ken Wright Pinot Noir would be that kid who skipped a few grades and is already the smartest in class. This young Sheldon of a wine might burn out as it ages or could end up ruling the world. Who’s to say? Honestly, I’m not one to speculate or care. What I know for sure is that this Pinot can dominate your weeknight red rotation.

In terms of taste, this wine feels like a high school reunion – you can taste the youth, the promise, the potential, and the slight awkwardness of still figuring out its place in your collection. It’s bright, with hints of cherry, lively berries, and a touch of mouth-watering sass. It’s like Mr. Feeny from "Boy Meets World" or Geoffrey from " Fresh Prince." You know the wine has something important to say, but there's not enough time in an episode to really delve into it.

In other words, I’m drinking this wine, knowing it’s wine, and sometimes, you just like it that way. It’s perfect for a casual dinner, a Netflix binge, or pondering your life choices after scrolling through social media. It’s a universal wine.

I give it a 7.1. Yeah, its good. All I can really say

From Episode: Sonoma, Zoom and Lemon Squares: 2021 The Calling Dutton Ranch Chardonnay Listen Here

2021 The Calling Dutton Ranch Chardonnay is a fun Chard that reminds me of a Disney movie for my taste buds. Definitely refreshing at first glance, it evokes the sunrise in The Lion King and smells like Winnie the Pooh going ham on his honey pot (sorry for that image). Imagine Pooh over-caramelizing a crème brûlée—it's not the worst thing because the lemon notes pair perfectly, making it a crushable gulp. Quickly turning one glass into three, you start to feel comfortable with the body of The Calling. It is full and big, almost like the Hulk, but not huge—it’s more like Hulk Hogan instead. It’s fun: the perfect metaphor would be Hulk Hogan doing the Macarena or the Cupid Shuffle. To the left, brother! Who wouldn’t want to be part of that?

I give this wine a 7.0. This is just a better Chardonnay than you're used to.

From Episode: Dads, Wade and the 550: 2020 Three by Wade Cabernet Sauvignon Listen Here

Deceptively elegant and undeniably powerful, the 2021 Three by Wade Cabernet Sauvignon is what you'd expect from one of the greatest 2-guards in NBA history. This bottle isn't your casual Timo Cruz pull-up-for-three. Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is if this wine stops flowing. If Frieza and the other Saiyans scouted this bottle, Its power is automatically over 9000. Let me break it down:

Prior to tip off, a familiar aroma of dark plums fills the air; but as you start swirling the glass round and round, the juice seems to grow legs longer than Manute Bol. Tannins are relevant from the first assist and are strong throughout. Like an unwanted colonoscopy, the dry puckering from all those Tanners (shoutout Bob Saget) isn’t for the faint of heart but let me tell you, this wine is crafted for champions. It’s deliberate on what it sets out to achieve.

It’s a punch in the palate, assertive and unapologetic. In other words, you’re sipping on a robust red that plays with finesse and strength. It’s basically the 2012 version of D-Wade on the court.

I give this wine a 7.8. This is a sip it with the fellas type of wine.

From Episode: Weekday Winners, Mamba and Chocolate: 2021 SLO Down Wines Sexual Chocolate Listen Here

A beautiful elevation to your weeknight red, this wine brings you into the stratosphere and can quickly replace those boring Cab Sauvs or Pinots that you end up settling for. Hey, we all love routine at some point, but why can't that routine be with a model—a sexy chocolate one with a big body and a dope fit?

The bottle, clothed with a personal note from the maker, is akin to the windows of Russell Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind," and aside from the schizophrenia aspect, I see no difference. This is genius in a bottle as it evokes familiar tastes from dark chocolate to plum to cherry cola. This Savage Garden—another entendre there—is like a buffet for your mouth, packing a heavy but delicate punch, like a sumo wrestler balleting on a bed of nails.

It's fun and sexy - culinary-wise, like freshly sliced ahi tuna on a plate with ponzu and some of that roe roe on top. In this world, we’re all marinating together and having a blast, and this wine is the juicy juice that makes it all stick. So pour yourself a glass and let that Sexual Chocolate roll down your body and add a delicious twist to your routine.

I give this an 8.8. This will be my new go-to. Inexpensive but oh-so-satisfying.

From Episode: Chablis, Yeezy, and Cotton Candy: 2019 J. Moreau Fourchaume Premier Cru Chablis Listen Here

This white beauty is rocking that pale yellow look, like the morning sun filtered through a fancy Instagram filter. Speaking of which, this should be enjoyed outside, near water. Preferably salt water, while wearing some flowy clothes and letting the breeze wear your face.

If you're 25, this wine has day-ger written all over it and should probably be consumed while pregaming a beach brunch with friends. If you're 35, this is one to consume during one of those events you couldnt get out of.

Those obligatory headaches of a party, like a 6th-grade graduation or a gender reveal. The kind of parties with not enough appetizers and an inevitable rush of kids in khakis and striped polos sprinting throughout, trying to recreate a circle of death to the Kidz Bop version of "Run It" by Chris Brown. Meanwhile, your second cousin-in-law asks if you've seen the latest Marvel movie and tells you how he's still holding the line with GameStop call options. Nevertheless, this is the leadoff hitter: the Johnny Damon, getting on base and waiting for the clock to strike 3 PM so you can leave at a respectable time.

I give this a 7.3. I like it at 25 but am kind of scared of it when I'm 35.

From Episode: Shea, Mocha, and The Home Depot: 2019 Shea Wine Cellars Estate Pinot Noir Listen Here

This bottle right here? It's the personification of the guy who turned a casual sip into a vineyard legacy. To spin a little Jay-Z, it was the businessman who gave you the business, man. Dick Shea with that BDE—shoot, let’s call it BDSE for Big Dick Shea Energy. My man looked at the wine world and said, "Nah, you ain't passing go. This is my Monopoly, and those grapes belong to me."

It's like Harry Potter trying to impress Ron with some chocolate frogs on the trolley, but way more intense. BDSE said, "We’ll take the lot and turn it into my empire."

And this wine? It’s Oregon in a glass. It’s got those hints of wet berries that stay light and composed throughout the evening, just like Shea himself. This isn’t just a wine for dinner; this is a wine for the clutch moments—those three-seconds-left-on-the-clock type moments, those 4th and 1s type moments, those times where you wonder where Steve the Pirate went for the last part of Dodgeball type moments.

Remember, those moments are not just a sip; they're a total power move.

I give the wine an 8.2. BDSE lives within all of us!

Episode 006: 2019 The Walls Mahana Syrah Listen Here

Picture this: a nectar so advanced, it brings about complex layers of bold flavors and a matrix of blending aromas fighting to get your attention. It's like a WWE title match between Bacchus and Dionysus themselves; and they’re bringing out the TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS. This wine crescendos to a higher flavor profile as time moves on, like a rock ballad that just won't quit.

Glass after glass, you realize this wine is a trailblazer - from Omar to Tony, to Walt to Saul to Draper to even Rust freakin' Cohle. It’s a breaker of molds, a renegade. This wine breathes life into the Tyrion Lannisters, the Dexter Morgans, the Daryl Dixons of the world. It's like smoking acid in a cigar riding a spaceship to the core of the Earth. It's confusing but oh so right. It's a domestic Syrah demanding respect, for God’s sake.

I'm gonna call this the wine for the anti-heroes. Shout out to T. Swift. Shout out to Robert Frost. We're taking the road less traveled, baby, because we like it like that.

Rating 9.4 - Need a minimum of 3 bottles in the collection

Episode 004: 2022 Ernest Vineyards Chardonnay Sonoma Coast Listen Here

The Ernest Vineyard Chardonnay is the wine equivalent of your favorite underrated character in a movie. Like Private Jackson, the sniper dude in "Saving Private Ryan". It might often get overlooked by more mainstream chards, but just like Barry Pepper, this wine’s got spice. (Double entendre there, folks.)

The charge on the palate is electric—think Pikachu tap dancing. No, better yet, think Pikachu lap dancing down Rainbow Road with three red shells chasing after Princess Peach. Yeah, it’s that wild.

And a big shoutout to Grandpa Ernest, who literally turns into Grand Zaddy Earn after two glasses. Those sad eyes on the label start to speak to you, like an oil painting of an old man oil painting. We’re all Ernest eventually.
Cheers to finding the zaddy in all of us!

7.8 would buy again.

Episode 005: 2021 Louis Moreau 1er Cru Vau Ligneau Chablis Listen Here

Alright, get ready to break out the aviators and sundresses because you’re invited to the Patio Partayyy! Picture this: a cute, innocent lemon decides she’s too sweet for the sour life, so she hooks up with a smooth-talking honey boy. They have a kid, and this kid meets the dashing prince of green apples from the far end of the orchard, where only the cool greens hang out. The prince loves the sweet-and-sour mix so much that he invites the whole lemon family to court. Even the sour lemon grandparents and the chunky stepsister get invited.

But alas, it’s all a ploy; like Margaery Tyrell lured into the doldrums of high society, 2-3 glasses turns your class into sass, baby. Now, this drink’s got some serious bite. It's like riding a Harley through South Park and, oops, you killed Kenny. It’s funny at first, but then you realize you’ve crushed a couple of bottles. Glass is everywhere, and that Patio Party’s got a new meaning as you find yourself face-first into the pavers. Cheers to a night to remember!
6.8 Rating - Need some seafood with this one.

Episode 003: 2009 Bodegas Riojanas Vina Albina Gran Reserva Rioja Listen Here

Shoutout to a good Rioja, 'cause I love me some Spanish grapes. But this one though, a little misguided. Like Antonio Banderas trying to play the cool dad in Spy Kids. Upfront, well-renowned actor with a big persona; but here, it leaves me with the fleeting smell of wet cardboard and regret. Aged longer than some friendships, it was unbalanced and awkward, like the weird sex scene in Twilight 3. It tastes of punchy leather with good intention, but at the end of the day, tried too hard. Felt like the wine itself had a mid-life crisis.
Rating - 4.2; below average - would give it to my greatest enemy.